Reflecting on the Persona I Created Online: Why I Built It (and Why I Let It Go)

So, I’ve been thinking about the ‘reality television’ persona I leaned into online. It really began to come out publicly in 2016, and while I believed it was helping me at the time, in many ways it did more harm than good. I wanted to share a reflection on the psychology behind it — and what was really going on underneath. If you were here for that season, you know I was all over the place. And if you’re new, I hope this reflection helps you understand — and maybe even opens your eyes to your own resilience. ​

We all build masks to get through hard seasons. Don’t be ashamed of yours. Just know that when the time comes to take it off, there’s a whole new kind of strength and meaning waiting for you. Don’t give up. ​

---

In 2016, my “reality television” persona wasn’t a gimmick — it was a survival mechanism. After the high of 2015 came lows I never foresaw. My life stopped flowing, and my headspace began to collapse. Blogs that once championed me were suddenly messaging me about trolls tearing me apart. People accused me of buying followers — which was almost laughable, because at that time I didn’t even know you could buy them. And for some reason, no one seemed to notice my actual successes. A quick recap of where I was during that time: just a year earlier, I self-published a poetry book that hit Amazon’s bestseller list, gone viral with two lifestyle articles, and landed two quarterly columns with an international magazine.


Also, between 2016 and 2018, my blog and social photos were trending (I even won a community award in 2017 for the blog), yet the very visibility that had lifted me up suddenly turned against me. Everything except my writing was being talked about — and spoiler: they weren’t being nice either. Sure, I exaggerated that I was doing professional photoshoots when I was staging them myself (and a lot of other things too LOL) — but girl, the idea of “influencers” didn’t even fully exist yet when I started in 2014. (Not that I ever considered myself one; I’m a writer. But my writing wasn’t what people were discussing — it was my life and the things I posted.) Back then, the closest model I had to make sense of it all was reality television.


Burner accounts and comments on my blog — which I later discovered through a law enforcement investigation were tied to people who knew me and my family personally — picked apart my weight, my mental health, my relationship, even my identity. They spun conspiracies about me from every direction, until I could hardly recognize the person they were describing. Under that kind of spotlight, I needed a way to keep standing, to process the controversy without loosing myself completely. So I built a version that mirrored the reality stars I’d grown up watching: poised under scrutiny, delivering storylines on my terms — and if they were going to talk, I’d give them something to discuss. It wasn’t about faking, being delusional, or denying my reality — even though I was misusing prescription medication at the time, which contributed to the delusional behavior. It was about staying afloat against the online hate, and metaphorically, the way I’d later capture in my poetry: as if my life itself were unraveling in the headlines of other people’s words. At that moment, this persona felt like the perfect solution. But the negativity around me grew louder and more relentless than the positive. And instead of clinging to the light, I let myself spiral deeper into the rabbit hole.


And I still go back to those emotions from 2015 to 2019, pulling from them in my work. That season of my life held both dizzying highs and crushing lows, but it gave me raw material I continue to shape into something meaningful — and even healing. Looking at where I am now, I wanted people to have that backstory too: to understand not just the persona, but the pain and resilience that created it. I’m grateful to have let that voice go, because for the first time, I feel genuinely connected to my blog — not as a persona, but as myself. It’s given me a new breath of life to create online again. I have Samantha, Zoe & Patricia to thank for helping me see the light by giving me the constructive criticism to fully remove the mask. 


The kindness and support I’ve gotten this year from everyone, if who know me personally, and those of you who read, and follow along online. I can’t say it enough y’all healed pieces of me I didn’t even know needed it. Thank you to each of you who contributed to that.


— xo


P.S. We all build masks to get through hard seasons. Don’t be ashamed of yours. Just know that when the time comes to take it off, there’s a whole new kind of strength and meaning waiting for you. Don’t give up. ​

---