Week 3: A Battle Worth Fighting For

Be proud of all the things that make you different- Lea Michele 

I can remember my first guy crush as a first grader and that intense feeling tingling at my heart. Yet those sounds of voices pleading of how such love isn't allowed, it's a choice and unnatural haunted me. In this post I am going to use a female artist named Lana Del Ray to help bring this post to life. The story she shares through her lyrics touches me so deeply and she is my all time favorite artist. I can relate by putting her lyrics into my own perspective, which will help you guys with this weeks advice questions.

Thanks to Lana Daily for supplying me with these wonderful photos. This is the most personal I have ever been on this topic. The quotes after the questions are representation of the situations within me. Yes, the world has changed and things are getting better, still the right for everyone to love is a battle worth fighting for. I start of this post with a lyric that really defines me entering my journey: 

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1. I can't find love. It hurts. I dream of it. I always have. Growing up I had no one. I was bullied and I became closed in due to sexuality. It took a long time to even talk to someone and overtime as I am with someone I become cold. How can I open myself to what I have always dreamed and remove the fear of being hurt? From reading your work I know you found love, and have had a share of heartbreaks. I thought I could reach out. 

• I am glad you did reach out. This is something that takes time, growth and lessons. I talked to my first guy at the age of 11 and he was 16 via AOL chat. I knew what the media and a majority of people were saying at the time about who I am. Maybe not directly, but overall. Thankfully, I did have my family. So, of course your past plays a role. Since you got a late start give it time because I was a tease who wanted love but had no idea how to let love in. I wanted everything love had to offer but had nothing to show. I would feed people what they wanted to hear to gain the power in their hearts, and turn cold to push them away. When I first saw my boyfriend, I knew it and the day we met was like magic. I was 11 when I started to talk to guys, and I was 21 when I fell in love; 11 years it took. You have sometime to grow in that aspect of your life and when you find the one you'll see a difference within your heart. You'll see. Breathe because the universe will grant all your wishes just believe. 

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2. I like older men. I try to talk myself out of it, but I can't help it. Younger guys, boy, they don't cut it. I need to be pampered. Cared for and just loved. They really know how to love me. I can't talk to anyone about these issues, they would judge me. Am I wrong? 

• No. You are not wrong. People will judge you no matter what. My boyfriend is 8 years older than me. I know I repeated myself a few times with this, but I was 19 when I wanted him. I had people tell me he was too old, I kinda listened and he even told me back then that I was too naive to see it, but that quickly changed. He jokes sometimes by saying I have daddy issues. Now, I never talked to a guy with a huge age gap, but I always liked older guys; around the 10 year range was the most and I was 18, the guy was 29. If your out sleeping around with older guys just for the hell of it, then yes, you are wrong. If you're looking for a partnership then go for it. Spread your wings and fly away with the love of your life. 

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3. I am of age and I was harassed by a man. I told him no many times and when I reached out no one believed me because I was a guy. It's like really? I'm a huge fan of your work and I wanted to reach out for your insight. 

• It will catch up with him. Sadly, for you the best thing you can do is move on. I was an actor and I did shows out in New York during my teenage years while summer was in session. I did use a different name. The director promised to take my career to the next level. I was giving the lead role in 3 out of the 4 productions I did. Plus, he was my acting coach. Now, this is the first I have ever opened up about this. I did include a piece of it in my poetry book, but the summer leading into college I was 18. I had my first run-through that May, he expected more from me as a return for his favors. He swore if I didn't give him what he wanted he would ruin my chances. This is someone who I confided with and trusted. I mean yeah he had me on diet to the point that I looked anorexic because he told me I was fat, besides the point I didn't follow through on his sexual demands and we got physical with each other a couple times in my dressing room. No one would speak of it. No one would believe me and I had to keep myself together because the show counted on me. I couldn't let the cast down. The best thing I did was leaving that life behind to start something new. I went on a spiritual journey. Found my true calling. Surrounded myself with amazing people and allowed them into my life instead of hiding it. Fell in love and most importantly I found myself.  I haven't talked much about that piece of my life. I consider it long gone. I may bring it up from time and time. My best friends didn't even know. Use this to your advantage and go down the road with a positive direction. Karma will catch up with that guy. It always does.

4. I am so clingy. Like too clingy. I'm straight forward and no guy wants that. I get called crazy, annoying and over the top. I can't change myself. It's not possible, because I have tried but it doesn't feel right. What can I do?  

• I was there in your position before. I am clingy with love. I like to be the center of attention and I can be demanding. I have a heart of gold. I love like there is no tomorrow and I would die for the man I love...if that makes me crazy then so be it. I never once changed who I was for love. Love changed the men for me. Even though it hurt I was able to find my perfect guy. My boyfriend knows he is one lucky guy and I know I am as well. I'm crazy in love with him and he can handle that side of me. Took me sometime, but I kept on going. Keep your head held high and never change. Your prince is over there on the horizon, so go get him! 

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5. I live in fear. Fear of love, judgement and life. I don't want to be killed or shunned for the person I am. Or feel like people are watching and laughing. I've seen what has happened to people like me. Where do you get that radiating confidence from? I admire that quality in you. 

• Thank you so much for saying that. I appreciate it. When you face a lot during a young age like I did you have no choice. You learn to fight back and stay happy, you figure out that people don't scare you and allow yourself to live life for you, if it's done in accordance with love. You clearly have some trauma inside your thoughts. Find something creative to release such burdens. Pretty soon you will be like me and say, nothing scares me anymore, but in order for that to happen you need to live a little bit. 

6. Where do you find your ability to carry on when times are tough? Or your heart is broken and people are judging, or mocking you because of your dream? I want so bad to be a painter and I keep hitting dead ends.  

• Never give up. Those people are guiding you to your finish line because the more you stay away from them and keep chasing after your calling you'll see the real reason why you had to face them. You learn something about yourself you never thought was imaginable. After acting failed, I wanted to pursue singing, but it didn't happen and I heard somethings people said about me though. I just didn't listen because I knew what I wanted. You have to fail to win, lose everything to really understand freedom so you can gain. Keep the spark alive by following your bliss. 

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Thankfully same-sex couples are now allowed to get married and acceptance has grown. Reading this post you see how many of us aren't different, and we face similar situations. So, why hate and hurt someone? 

The world is changing around us, and so many homosexual men, women and transgender people took or lost their lives fighting a battle to love, and be loved. Even though times have changed my mind and heart randomly feels alone, and sad even though nothing is wrong. The aftermath is far worst than the actual event. It gets better once you take your first step of healing. People don't need to understand who you are, if you do, then it is okay. People will be mean and act like they did nothing wrong. Move on. Don't allow them to keep that control. 

Lessons are brought to us every single day and every day it gets easier. If someone told me that 5 years ago I would shake my head yes and not understand, but now living through it believe me when I say this, it does. I have so much to share that a blog won't cut it. Years down the road on my journey who knows what craft I'll release to open up even more and share with you guys like you have me. I learn something new about myself and you everyday. Be proud of who you are and embrace yourself. Don't let the past define you, don't let the future scare you, just live in the present so you can be free and believe all good is awaiting you, because it is. 

Love, 
Paul xx