Brave And Lonely Confessions From Life As A Perfectionist

Life as a perfectionist is one of the toughest obstacles one can deal with. Perfection is something unattainable, yet many of us hope to have one day. It's a battle with a monster inside you wish could vanish, but comes back in the darkest of nights. Maybe not everyone has this struggle. I do, especially with myself. The road gets very lonely and is why I complied a list of thoughts that cross my mind during these moments. This is the first post for my new blog series, "My Confessions."

Perfection is something unattainable, yet many of us hope to have one day. It's a battle with a monster inside you wish could vanish, but comes back in the darkest of nights - Paul Travis

When it comes down to the simplest of tasks I tend to overthink. Not always, but sometimes and when it does occur I get very hard on myself. Thoughts enter my head that belittle my self-esteem, life and work. It causes the fire of motivation to slowdown and I just go take a nap because I know when I awake that feeling of the moment will fade. Overcoming the perfectionist is a daily task I deal with, as do some of you. It's a pain in the ass, isn't it?

1. You could of worked harder than you did
I put my heart and soul into everything I do. Wherever that thought comes from fails to realize the amount of energy, time & effort spent. Most days I could ignore it, but when it can't be done I say hello to depression, and goodbye to sunshine.  

2. Seriously go lose a few pounds before wearing that shirt. You look disgusting, oh and incase you haven't seen that pimple it's right on your forehead. Someone's ugly today. 
The mirror is the worst when I go through minor breakouts or get dressed before leaving the house and feel like a hot air ballon-it's all in my mind of course-because what appears to me isn't how others look upon it. Still, it really gets you down. I can't remember a time that I have actually ever been happy with my weight. I always seem to pick out my flaws. It's a mission of mine to keep reminding myself I'm fabulous just the way I am and to be grateful for the person standing in the front of the mirror.

3. You'll never be good enough
Even though I know I deserve what I want/have, as do each one of us why is it we get those words repeatedly at times. I wish I could turn this monster into a physical form so I could punch it in the face. 

4. You messed up prepare to be made a joke of
This thought sometimes prevents me from being active on social media, or my blog. I am always working on my major projects though; books, music and poetry. It never fails that I find something wrong with a blog post or a status update after it goes public. I hurry to go fix it. The stress of a typo is unreal and causes me to go into a panic. I care so much about what I share to you, it must be perfect!

Loving myself for who I am is a lot easier now, but before I struggled-at times I have my moments, but it does not stop me from doing what I need. To cope better I do a lot of mindfulness and gratitude journaling to stay on the right track of fully enjoying myself, but let me clarify all of this doesn't interrupt my confidence because that can't be broken. I worked super hard and endured many obstacles to have the tough skin I do. By sharing this I hope you know you aren't alone with your struggles.

In the next post for "My Confessions" I will go into detail of life with depression.  

How many of you feel the same way? Or even have these thoughts at times? Do you have ways to cope? If so, please comment and share your story. If you feel this post can be helpful to someone you know please share it with them. I am here to listen. 

Love always,